It must be a good sign that I haven’t kept up with journal entries.  I been ’cast-less’ since the 9th March which is a pleasure.  Going out with the dogs is a pleasure now rather than a military operation of getting the wheelchair out of the bungalow, crutches left indoors and getting the dogs leads over the handles.  Chyna was usually okay but Bruno never learnt the knack of walking in a straight line.  It’s much easier going shopping as well as I felt like a spare part in the wheelchair.

Yesterday I had my first physiotherapy session which was a waste of time.  I could have been told what to do when I had the cast removed.

The past two weekends have been tiring as we have had friends three sons overnight.  They are aged two, five and eight but have been easily entertained.  They like playing in the back garden and last Saturday we took them to The Locomotion which is a train museum.  The eldest one has been before but he still enjoyed going again.

I have had contact with my sister which is something short of a miracle.  She has had an operation to remove her gall bladder and has problems with one of her eyes which has an ulcer.  I am worried about my sister though plus she is missing our Mum.  It doesn’t surprise me as they were close but it is a worry that she is finding it difficult coping with our Mum’s death.  It will be the 1st anniverary this coming Sunday.

The past few days have been better so I have been relaxed.  I have even been sleeping better at night.  At the moment I am watching my horrible little cat chasing a mouse in the kitchen.  Considering the time of year it is amazing how she finds them.  Tasha has been in and out all evening with the same mouse.  Naturally the dogs aren’t batting an eyelid at her antics.

I will be glad though when the cast comes of my leg though.  What I am looking forward too is a soak in the bath.  I am also looking forward to not being wheeled about everywhere.  It gets uncomfortable sitting in a wheelchair for a while.  This morning I tool the crutches to church just so I could stretch my legs for a little while.

I have been struggling with depression for a couple of months now.  It’s not getting better and I feel washed out all of the time.  Rick isn’t helping either as he’s been in a bad mood recently.  He has also found out how much I actually do during the day since I broke my ankle.  I have ended up preparing most of the meals and done most of the washing up despite being told not to put any weight on my right leg.  Rick has said a few times he can’t cope with everything and my response has been he would have to if I was in hospital.

Yesterday was a bad day as I had to go the hospital for an appointment.  We got there about 1.50 pm and my foot was x-rayed quite quickly.  My appointment time was 2.30pm but didn’t get seem until about 4.15 pm.  This put Rick in a bad mood which almost reduced me to tears at one point.  He was taking it out on the staff which made it worse and I apologised a few times to the nurse that got the brunt off it.  Fortunately the news was good and the bone is mending well.  I was also told the plaster could come off in four weeks time.  Last week I had been told the plaster would be on for  5 weeks.

On the 24th January we round to see a friend and I slipped over outside his front door.  I felt such an idiot.   Rick took me to the urgent care centre at Bishop Auckland Hospital afterwards.  Although my ankle was swollen I could walk on my foot, I could move my toes and the nurse was able to manipulate my foot so he told me I had sprained my ankle.  By the 1st February my foot was badly bruised and I was still in a lot of pain so we went back to the hospital.  This time I had my foot x-rayed and was told I had broken a bone in my foot so had my foot and leg strapped up.  An appointment was made at the Darlington Memorial Hospital for the fracture clinic yesterday.  I was also given a pair of crutches so I can get around home without putting any weight on my foot.  We have also borrowed a wheelchair from the Red Cross so I can get out as I’ve been advised not to walk too far.

Yesterday morning was extremely boring.  Transport had been arranged for me so I was at the hospital half an hour early for my appointment.  It turns out I have actually broken a bone in my ankle and the doctor told me he could see an old injury to my ankle from the x-ray.  After I had a plaster cast put on I had my foot and ankle x=rayed again but one of the x-rays wasn’t at the tight ankle so I had to go back for another one.  Eventually I got back to see the doctor who told me I would have the plaster on for six weeks and to keep using the crutches and wheelchair.

It is going to drive me mad having limited mobility nor do I like being reliant on other people.  I’m already fed up of asking Rick to put washing out that’s been in the washing machine for three days and probably smells by now.  I have also got a pile of ironing to do in the bedroom which I’m still waiting for Rick to take into the lounge so I can get on with it. Yesterday was Rick’s birthday and was taken out for coffee by a friend which was better than nothing.

Thanks to some gossiping my mood plummeted again and I haven’t been able to concentrate.  What makes it worse it’s church people gossiping instead of talking to us.  It’s been sorted with the elders but all it’s done is lower my self esteem and I have lost my trust again in these people.  It annoys me as these people know better and should have come to Rick and me.  I hate suffering with severe depression without the added pressure of  having to deal with gossipers.

Last week I sent an update of medical information to Anthony via his adoptive parents.  I chose to do it this way as I’m tired of the accusations made in the past so involving his adoptive parents stops the imagined wrongs.  It’s a really petty way of dealing with the situation but I learned long ago that I needed witnesses ready for every time Anthony threw his toys out of the pram.  In some ways he reminds me of myself when I was young.  The only difference is I have always admitted when I am in the wrong.  Anthony never admits to being in the wrong which he has been at times.  I don’t expect any response though which doesn’t worry me as I know I am doing my best by him.

Despite having a wobbly start to the year I am determined to do more this year.  One of my aims is to complete the novel I started recently.  At the moment I am going over the start of the story as I wasn’t completely happy with it.  Now it is forming much better.   There are other things I want to work on although I know I need a confidence boost first.

I am feeling much better now. Each day has got easier and I have had a good start to the new year. We didn’t go out New Year’s Eve as our dogs are scared of fireworks.  Bruno hides but Chyna sits on me and leans but I made sure I was in bed this time as it’s a bit more comfortable than being on a chair with her on me. New Year’s Day we were in church in the morning then friends were round in the afternoon with their children. They come from South Africa but have lived in the UK for several years – the children were born in England. The family had gone to visit family in South Africa for Christmas so it was the first time we had seen them since they got home. It was funny watching their son playing with Chyna as he kept telling her off when she tried playing with him (he is only four). Eventually she sat on him and leant so he had to cuddle her to stop falling backwards.

I have made a start on concentrating on a novel I started recently.  The main problem I’m having has been the flow off visitors we’ve had the past few days.   From tomorrow it should be easier to have a couple hours each day to concentrate on it.  Writing is helping now so I thankful for that.

We’ve had better Christmas but at least we had a peaceful one.  Having gone through a bad bout of severe depression hasn’t helped though.  These bouts are getting more frequent so I am wondering what the point of taking anti depressants is.  The only reason I have was because the doctor I saw before Christmas suggested I had an ECG and blood test then have a chat about a way forward.  I shall give it another week then will probably make an appointment to see my GP to talk about it.

My concentration is better though so have started reading more often.  I also want to get back to writing again.  I have got a couple of ideas for books which I want to make a start on.  Poetry is another thing I’m thinking off getting back to.

The past year has been tough in one way and another.  The most prominent thing has been my mum dying.  It affected me more than I ever thought it would.  Whatever our differences were she was still my mother and I loved her.  My one regret is that we hadn’t talked to each other for a couple of years.  Our last conversation had been a good one which is a positive.  It has made me even more aware that life is too short to hold on to the past.  Nobody can change the past but we can all shape our futures.

The past two weeks has been tough.  Two weeks yesterday I was at rock bottom in the first time in over two years.  I admitted to Rick that all I wanted to do was die but I didn’t want to die through suicide.  He made telephone call so I was first taken to A & E then to the crisis team.  After talking to me they decided the best option was home visits and telephone calls.  It has been a tough two weeks but I need to talk.  All I can put this latest trigger down to is that I dream about my mum.  They are lovely dreams and in them we get on well – she is the mum I always wanted and understood me.  In reality my mum never really understood me nor did I know how to make her understand me.  It’s not her fault nor is it mine, it’s just one of things.  It still hurts though that my mum never apologised to me for all the hurt she caused me.  She died believing she had done nothing wrong and I was nothing more than trouble.  I regret never telling my mum what I was going through.  I will always love my mum.

I cannot explain how much I was relieved to be taken seriously about being depressed in 2005.  Up until then I believed what I was told that I was attention seeking, moody and a liar. I know I wasn’t a liar yet that’s what I accepted.  I did know I needed help and that I needed people to believe me.

It is tough because I know that people who don’t know my parents accept me for who I am.  There are other relatives and friends who accept me for being who I am.  All that’s really mattered now on this Christmas day is that my family accept me for who I am.

My mood had improved by the weekend but today it nosedived again.  At the moment I don’t know what to do as a distraction.  Nothing is working.  It’s got that bad that I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone.  Rick wants me to help him go through stuff tomorrow but it means going to a friend’s home and I really don’t want to go there. I am glad we are having a quiet Christmas as I’m not looking forward to it.

Two of the crisis team were round today and were going to get me signed off.  Now they are going to give it a few more days as they know I’m on a downer.  They asked me if there was anywhere I go to get away for a few days.  Even if there was I wouldn’t want to as it wont solve how I am feeling and I would still have to come back at some point.  Right at the moment there is nothing I can think off that will cheer me up.