Life's never ending journey ….

Archive for December, 2011

29th December 2011

We’ve had better Christmas but at least we had a peaceful one.  Having gone through a bad bout of severe depression hasn’t helped though.  These bouts are getting more frequent so I am wondering what the point of taking anti depressants is.  The only reason I have was because the doctor I saw before Christmas suggested I had an ECG and blood test then have a chat about a way forward.  I shall give it another week then will probably make an appointment to see my GP to talk about it.

My concentration is better though so have started reading more often.  I also want to get back to writing again.  I have got a couple of ideas for books which I want to make a start on.  Poetry is another thing I’m thinking off getting back to.

The past year has been tough in one way and another.  The most prominent thing has been my mum dying.  It affected me more than I ever thought it would.  Whatever our differences were she was still my mother and I loved her.  My one regret is that we hadn’t talked to each other for a couple of years.  Our last conversation had been a good one which is a positive.  It has made me even more aware that life is too short to hold on to the past.  Nobody can change the past but we can all shape our futures.

25th December 2011

The past two weeks has been tough.  Two weeks yesterday I was at rock bottom in the first time in over two years.  I admitted to Rick that all I wanted to do was die but I didn’t want to die through suicide.  He made telephone call so I was first taken to A & E then to the crisis team.  After talking to me they decided the best option was home visits and telephone calls.  It has been a tough two weeks but I need to talk.  All I can put this latest trigger down to is that I dream about my mum.  They are lovely dreams and in them we get on well – she is the mum I always wanted and understood me.  In reality my mum never really understood me nor did I know how to make her understand me.  It’s not her fault nor is it mine, it’s just one of things.  It still hurts though that my mum never apologised to me for all the hurt she caused me.  She died believing she had done nothing wrong and I was nothing more than trouble.  I regret never telling my mum what I was going through.  I will always love my mum.

I cannot explain how much I was relieved to be taken seriously about being depressed in 2005.  Up until then I believed what I was told that I was attention seeking, moody and a liar. I know I wasn’t a liar yet that’s what I accepted.  I did know I needed help and that I needed people to believe me.

It is tough because I know that people who don’t know my parents accept me for who I am.  There are other relatives and friends who accept me for being who I am.  All that’s really mattered now on this Christmas day is that my family accept me for who I am.

19th December 2011

My mood had improved by the weekend but today it nosedived again.  At the moment I don’t know what to do as a distraction.  Nothing is working.  It’s got that bad that I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone.  Rick wants me to help him go through stuff tomorrow but it means going to a friend’s home and I really don’t want to go there. I am glad we are having a quiet Christmas as I’m not looking forward to it.

Two of the crisis team were round today and were going to get me signed off.  Now they are going to give it a few more days as they know I’m on a downer.  They asked me if there was anywhere I go to get away for a few days.  Even if there was I wouldn’t want to as it wont solve how I am feeling and I would still have to come back at some point.  Right at the moment there is nothing I can think off that will cheer me up.

13th December 2011

On Saturday I went into complete meltdown and I was at rock bottom.  I told Rick who knew I was being serious so to cut the story short I saw the crisis team.  Sunday afternoon the crisis team came out to visit me to see how I was feeling.  A doctor should have been out to see me yesterday but I had to cancel out on that.  Rick wasn’t well so we ended up at the Memorial Hospital most of the day.  Two friends were worried about him so spent a couple of hours with us.  One of them took me home as she knew I needed to get back to the dogs.  About an hour later the other friend, who had left before us, picked me up as Rick was fit enough to come home again.

Today the doctor came out with one of the crisis team members to get a bit of history on me and check through my medication with me.  Just to really cheer me up there are health risks with my anti depressant so he doesn’t want to increase that and would prefer to decrease it.  I may end up taking something else instead.  He also wants me to have a blood test for liver function and an ECG.  The doctor seemed quite concerned that I haven’t had an ECG done yet as I have been on meds for high blood pressure for two years.  I should also have been monitored anyway as the anti depressant can affect the heart.  I have to make an appointment with my GP in the next few days to get the blood test and ECG organised.  Oh happy days!

9th December 2011

Yesterday qas a very dark day for me.  I knew it was building up to this for days.  My concentration hasn’t been good and I have been stressed out.  Rick suffered a bit in the evening for me being very depressed as I was very snappy.  Nothing could take my mind off it or cheer me up.  I had physiotherapy in the morning which went well.  The physiotherapist did a scan on my back and that went well.  It’s not normal for me tofeel so low at this point in December.  Christmas Day through to New Year is the tougher time to get through along with Mother’s Day, Anthony’s birthday and my birthday.

Today has been easier although having a good night’s sleep has helped.  Sheer exhaustion probaby helped as I haven’t been sleeping too well.  The pain in my fingers has been worse lately and that makes me irratable.  The weather has been cold so that hasn’t helped either.

I keep wanting to cry for no apparent reason.  It isn’t easy trying to explain how I am feeling.  I keep feeling an ache inside – an emtionally ache rather than a physical ache.  There are friends I could talk to but I’m really not in the mood to do so.

1st December 2011
It has been emotionally tiring thinking back over my life.  Reunion had left in turmoil over my feelings.  It was scary knowing how extreme my emotions were.  My anger turned into sheer rage and at times I felt like I was going to explode.  I also found out how much I could really love somebody.  I love my husband and I love family members.  It’s a completely different feeling of love for a child which comes from creating another human being.  I knew I loved my baby but to finally understand the full extent of my love for him as an adult son was almost scary.

The first year into reunion was hard as i had to face up to the past and deal with my emotions.  By August 2005 I wasn’t earing much and considered myself lucky if i got more than two hours of sleep each night.  Eventually I knew I couldn’t carry on like this so I saw my doctor.  For the first in my life I felt like I was being taken seriously.  He told me I was severely depressed and needed help.  I sat and cried as it was such a relief for somebody to listen without judging.  Getting meds helped to improve so in turn I started sleeping and eating better.

On Tuesday my husband and I went to see my dad.  It was the first time we had seen him since my mum’s funeral.  My dad looked much better and it was good to spend time with him.  My sister came round with my niece and her baby who is 6 weeks old now.  He is absolutely gorgrous and I enjoyed holding him.  Ir was lovely just spending time with my family as if there hadn’t been a falling out.