Life's never ending journey ….

Archive for November, 2011

22nd November 2011

I knew right from the start that Rick suffered with depression yet it was something I could deal with. Dealing with how others feel has always been much easier for me to deal with than my own.  His depression started after his dad died when he was 14 years old.  Rick thought I was a very laid back person as a rule but also knew I had a quick temper.  It was easy for me to put on a front as I had been doing so for 12 years by this point.  Being suicidal and self harming continued usually when we we argued.  The cycle continued until 2004 when I found Anthony five days after his 23rd birthday.

Rick and I decided to do our family trees so I joined up with Genes Reunited.  Within minutes of putting basic information in the tree was matched with another member.  Some of the information was wrong so that gave me good reason to contact him.  Half an hour later I realized it was Anthony and that unlocked my emotions.  I have never felt so much rage before this moment or after reunion settled down.  I do believe that the rage I felt at the time helped me to keep going.  My pain also intensified along with shame, guilt and anger.  There aren’t any words I can use to describe exactly how I felt at this time.  I even felt despair and felt that I was reliving being 19 years old agsin as Anthony wanted to know so much in a short space of time.  He wanted to talk to me constantly on messenger.  I was happy Anthony wanted to but on the other hand I was struggling with my own emotions.  What didn’t help was that I found out Anthony had found my family quite quickly in 1999 after he turned 18.  They in effect lied to him for almost five years by telling him they didn’t know where I was.  I was absolutely furious with them.  I had fallen out with my family in early 1999 as I was sick to death of being accused of doing things i hadn’t done, usually of lying.  I got back in touch with my parents in late 2001 so they didn’t have any excuse.

At the time I couldn’t let my parents know how angry I was as I would have let rip.  It took me years to forgive them.  It wasn’t healthy to be so angry yet I couldn’t see that at the time.

20th November 2011

This morning went well and we both enjoyed getting our wedding vows renewed.  When we gor married it was at a registry office so today was extra special.  I’m feeling tired now as it has been a long day.  One of our friends made a lovely cake and we took along food to eat after the service.  It is at times like this that I happy to be alive.

I was 31 years old when I met my husband.  He was the first person in a long time who could make me really laugh.  Ours was a whirlwind romance with ua marrying three months after we first started going out with each other.  I still had my emotional barrier up so he only knew a part of me and I told him right from the start I didn’t want children.  I was still scared that if I had children I would be pressured into surrendering again.  My sister told my husband about my son sixth months after we got married.  He was angry because I hadn’t told him so we argued then when we both calmed down we talked.  My husband was angry about what my parents had put me through.  It brought us closer together but he also respected my wishes that we didn’t talk about my son as it was too painful for me.  Years later I regretted that decision even though I thought at the time it was the only way I could cope.

19th November 2011

What happened next I consider my dark years.  My whole world crashed around me and I simply didn’t know how to deal with it.  I had lost trust in my parents so could no longer trust anybody.  After all I couldn’t trust them therefore I couldn’t trust other people.  I quickly learnt to put on a happy face and not talk about anything I wasn’t happy about.  It was quite soul destroying but I couldn’t let my guard down.  I stopped letting anybody get close to me emotionally and I would keep boyfriends at arms length.  If the relationship started getting serious I would split from the boyfriend.  I had this deep rooted fear that I would fall pregnant again then be pressured into surrendering again even though I was using contraception.  To the outside world I was a strong person and at times I was teased by friends that I was an ice maiden.  I would laugh about it yet inside I was constantly hurting.  The emotional pain was so bad that it became a physical pain.  On bad days I would be bad tempered and sometimes I would have bad migraines.

I can’t remember exactly when I started self harming except it was in my 20′s.  Usually I used scissors or knives to cut my arms and stomach.  It was never bad enough to be hospitalised and I was good at hiding wounds on my arms which were never too bad or I would make excuses.  I have been accident prone all my life so it was easy to come out with lines such I had turned round and walked into a filling cabinet.  I still occasionally tried to overdose with tablets but never took enough to do any damaged.

Although I had good friends I became very lonely and isolated.  All my friends were getting married or in long term relationships so if I went out with them it was usually to parties or to the pub.  I had even started going on holiday on my own as it was the only time I came close to being my old self.  Even then I was too scared to be myself.  I came close to having a complete breakdown in my late twenties.  I couldn’t bear being at work being around people yet I couldn’t stand being at home alone.  By this time I was living on my own so felt even more isolated.  I felt like a freak and couldn’t rationalise how to change my life.  I don’t know how I managed not to end my life then as I felt I didn’t have anything to live from.  The thought that my son may want to know me was something I couldn’t allow myself to hope for.  I had been told I would never be allowed to search for him and he would probably be too happy to search for me.  That wasn’t strictly true as I could start searching for my son once he turned 18 and nobody could predict how he would feel.

18th November 2011

When I knew I was pregnant I kept quiet long enough not to be pressured into aborting.  In those days I was 100% pro life unless there was an exceptionally good reason such as health risks and rape.  Throughout my pregnancy I was generally happy but also scared about the future.  Eventually my parents had to know and I was shocked by their reaction.  They were angry because it was too late for me to have an abortion and they decided the only option was adoption.  I was absolutely devastated by their choice and refused to agree to it.  My parents arranged everything and nothing was discussed with me.  The first time I spoke to anybody from the adoption agency was after my son was born on the 3rd August 1981. I told her exactly how I felt and that I wanted to raise my son.  That’s when the lies started and I was ‘persuaded’ to allow my son to go into foster care until I sorted myself out and just in case I decided to go ahead with the adoption.

During the time I was in hospital my parents never came to see me and my sister only visited once.  I was struggling with post natal depression and with not seeing my son.  Nancy Verrier, an adoptive mother, has wriiten a book called The Primal Wound.    She says the primal wound is the devastation which the infant feels because of separation from his or her mother. It is the deep and consequential feeling of abandonment which the baby adoptee feels after the adoption and which continues for the rest of his or her life.  Nancy Verrier claims that the adoption trauma can form the personality of the baby in many ways, but primarily the adoptee becomes very compliant and withdraws or else acts out and tests the limits of the adoptive parents’ patience by being hostile, antagonistic, unappreciative and unaccepting of love which his or her new parents usually are very willing to bestow.  Obviously there is more to this.

People who have a limb removed then others can see that the person has lost part of themselves.  What about mothers who have been separated from their children by adoption?

I have descibed it in the past that surrendering a child is an invisible amputation.  There is nothing natural about separating a mother and baby yet the world expects them to live as if it is natural.  Adoptees are expected to be grateful for being adopted and mothers are treated like lepers.  After all what mother surrenders her child when there is no need.  Lately I have been thinking of Nancy Verrier’s theory on the primal wound and why it can’t be applied to mothers as well.  Nothing can describe the emotional pain of being separated from a child.  The pain, for me, was so strong it became a real pain in the pit of my stomach.  I never told anybody because I simply didn’t understand what was going on.  I knew I felt sheer rage, hurt, sadness, gult and shame that I couldn’t stop the adoption.  My parents and the adoption agency lied to me the whole time plus my parents bullied me.  It took 23 years and reunion before I learnt the extent of the lies.

When my son was 6 weeks old I was told I couldn’t stop the adoption.  At this point I emotionally shut down as it was the only way I could cope.  I was expected to forget me son and get on with my life.  Little did I know that my battle with severe depression was about to begin.

17th November 2011

Yesterday was a bad day so bad that I felt like I did back in August 2005 when I hit rock bottom.   That was the first time I had the courage to take control of how I was feeling.  Rick wanted me to give it all over to God – we’re both Christians – but I knew if I didn’t I would have committed even if it took more than one attempt.  He gave in and agreed to go to the doctor with me.  It was such a relieve to be able to talk and be taken seriously.  The doctor told me straight away that I was severely depressed and prescribed anti depressants.

Me suffering from depression dates back to my teens.  The trigger was my sister being pressured into having an abortion when she was 15 years old and I was 12 years old.  I have bad memories of this time as my sister had told me she was pregnant before she told our parents.  After she told them they were angry with me for not telling them.  The decision was made for her to have an abortion and the situation was never talked about.  After this I was caught between my sister and my parents.  She wanted to know everything they said about her and my parents wanted me to report back to them about what my sister was up to.  I didn’t want to be stuck in the middle so withdrew into myself and was cautious about what I said to all of them.

I didn’t even realize i was becoming depressed.  Instead I was accused of becoming a moody teenager and attention seeking.  This just made me feel worse as time went by.  There waere a couple of times I tried to take too many paracetamols but stopped because I was scared.  I felt confused that I felt the way that I did.  Life nose dived when I found out that I was pregnant.

16th November 2011

Today hasn’t been good for me emotionally and I have been on a downer.  Rick hasn’t helped because everytime I ask him to do something we either end up arguing as he puts it off or I give up nagging.  On the other hand if someone else asks Rick to do anything he does it quickly so that causes an argument.  If Rick asks me to do anything he expects me to do it straight away.  Today has been one of those days I have got really annoyed with him because yet again he’s putting off things because he wants to do things for other.

The past week has been busy and I have had a couple of bad nights for sleeping which hasn’t helped my mood .  Last Thursday I had a physiotherapy appointment which felt like a wasted journey.  He prodded my back and checked out the movement of my legs then gave me a list of exercises to do.  I have another appointment on the 8th December.  It’s a good thing I am sensible but one exercise isn’t explained very well so I’m leaving that one out.  On Friday we picked up a three piece suite as our old one was beginning to fall apart.

A few weeks ago Rick asked J-P to renew our wedding vows on the 20th November which is our wedding anniversary but didn’t say anything to me.  I wasn’t amused when the subject was raised so I was a bit sarcastic with Rick.  It’s now stressing me out completely as I feel like the day is being blown out of all proportion.  I was okay with the wedding vows to renewed and for it to be low key.  Now there is a cake being made for us, I’m taking some food along and bought a new dress for the occasion.  It feels like that’s all anybody wants to talk about.  I hate being the centre of attention.

What’s keeping me going on is my faith and am scared about slipping back into my shell again.  I have been so determined to keep control of my life over the years that I still struggle to let people in.  Being distrustful of others hasn’t helped either.  I know I need to give over my worries and fears over to God but I am struggling!

7th November 2011

Saturday was my 50th birthday.  This year was a bit different to other years as we helped with the church outreach.  The morning started with prayer then coffee.  Rick had bought me a chocolate birthday cake so we all had a piece of that as well.  Once a month volunteers clean up two streets so we split up into two groups.  I actually enjoyed it even though it was hard work at times.  One of the residents brought us out a coffee each and chocolate.  We had a good morning though.  Lunchtime was spent at J-P and N’s home and had barbequed sausages in rolls which went down well.

The afternoon was spent relaxing and we had an Indian meal at home.  As usual we couldn’t go out due to the fireworks.  Bruno hid and I had to suffer Chyna on my lap being a pain.  She is so heavy and shakes so I got a bit annoyed in the end.

I spoke to my Dad yesterday.  It was good to catch up on news although my sister is suffering with her health.  I was going to wait until her birthday before writing but this gave me the opportunity to write.  This is what I wrote:

Dear Caroline,

I spoke to Dad yesterday and he told me about your gall stones and that you will be having a scan.   I told him I would drop you a line so you would know I am thinking of you.  Dad also mentioned that Brian is insulin dependent now.  Obviously I asked after the girls and he told me that Katie’s had James and that you look after Isabelle on Tuesdays.  Dad also mentioned that Katie has mastitis (sp?) so I hope she is better soon.

Our health has also been up and down as well.  Rick has arthritis in his back and trapped nerves in his spine.   He has also been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago.  Rick had put on quite a bit of weight on over a few months despite getting plenty of exercise.  Our doctor suggested gastric surgery and we went to an information evening.  Rick had to have blood tests done and that’s how we found out.  His blood sugar levels went up to 30 at its worst and had to be in hospital overnight.  The diabetes is controlled with medication now although now Rick is having problems with his skin on his left arm.  Rick has an infection in his arm and one of his fingers so I having to put cream on for him.  He is also taking antibiotics.

I now have curvature of the spine and arthritis in my back as well as my hands now.  I am taking NSAID medication and a strong painkiller that is used for depression as well as for pain relief.  For almost three years I have been taking two types of medication for high blood pressure and one for high cholesterol.  My blood pressure went up to 210/60 which was dangerously high and took several months to come down.  I am now permanently on an anti depressant due to severe depression.  I have suffered with it for many years but refused to take anything as I couldn’t admit to myself how bad my depression was.  In 2005 I couldn’t take feeling so low so did see my doctor.  This was after years of self harming as it was the only way I knew how to let emotional pain out.  I had also been suicidal over the years.  This included being hospitalised overnight in 1998 so my heart could be monitored.  In 2005 I did tell Mum and Dad I was suffering with depression but they never knew how bad it was.  Dad still doesn’t know how bad it is so please don’t tell him.

We are very happy living up north.  A few years ago we lived in Hartlepool near where Poppa grew up and where our great grandfather was also born.  We moved back for a few years but missed it so much that we came back.

For years now we have been attending Pentecostal churches.  In November 2005 I was baptised by full immersion, Rick was baptised back in 1989.  We are members of our local church where we are very involved which includes keeping the website up to date.

Take care of yourself, love to everybody and I hope all goes well with the scan.

With love

Philippa

1st November 2011

Last Wednesday we watched a dvd at the homegroup.  It was about healing and there was a bit about the underground church in Chjna.  I found it difficult to get comfortable so decided to sit on the floor.  The dvd was so good that I was engrossed so didn’t move much.  When I did I didn’t feel any pain in my back but didn’t think about it.  When the dvd finished I had a few offers to help me up which I refused and I realized the pain had completely gone from my back.  It’s been fine since so I feel much better in myself.  J-P asked me to testify on Sunday which I did at the beginning of the service.  It was a bit scary as I am shy but I was happy and I’m glad I did as I am getting more confident.

Last night was the ladies group at N’s and we had great fun.  N had prepared questions so we took it in turns answering them.  It certainly gave us plenty to talk about.  It’s only the second one but I am enjoying the evenings out as it’s been a long time since I’ve had nights out like these.