Life's never ending journey ….

16th January 2012

Thanks to some gossiping my mood plummeted again and I haven’t been able to concentrate.  What makes it worse it’s church people gossiping instead of talking to us.  It’s been sorted with the elders but all it’s done is lower my self esteem and I have lost my trust again in these people.  It annoys me as these people know better and should have come to Rick and me.  I hate suffering with severe depression without the added pressure of  having to deal with gossipers.

Last week I sent an update of medical information to Anthony via his adoptive parents.  I chose to do it this way as I’m tired of the accusations made in the past so involving his adoptive parents stops the imagined wrongs.  It’s a really petty way of dealing with the situation but I learned long ago that I needed witnesses ready for every time Anthony threw his toys out of the pram.  In some ways he reminds me of myself when I was young.  The only difference is I have always admitted when I am in the wrong.  Anthony never admits to being in the wrong which he has been at times.  I don’t expect any response though which doesn’t worry me as I know I am doing my best by him.

Despite having a wobbly start to the year I am determined to do more this year.  One of my aims is to complete the novel I started recently.  At the moment I am going over the start of the story as I wasn’t completely happy with it.  Now it is forming much better.   There are other things I want to work on although I know I need a confidence boost first.

3rd January 2012

I am feeling much better now. Each day has got easier and I have had a good start to the new year. We didn’t go out New Year’s Eve as our dogs are scared of fireworks.  Bruno hides but Chyna sits on me and leans but I made sure I was in bed this time as it’s a bit more comfortable than being on a chair with her on me. New Year’s Day we were in church in the morning then friends were round in the afternoon with their children. They come from South Africa but have lived in the UK for several years – the children were born in England. The family had gone to visit family in South Africa for Christmas so it was the first time we had seen them since they got home. It was funny watching their son playing with Chyna as he kept telling her off when she tried playing with him (he is only four). Eventually she sat on him and leant so he had to cuddle her to stop falling backwards.

I have made a start on concentrating on a novel I started recently.  The main problem I’m having has been the flow off visitors we’ve had the past few days.   From tomorrow it should be easier to have a couple hours each day to concentrate on it.  Writing is helping now so I thankful for that.

29th December 2011

We’ve had better Christmas but at least we had a peaceful one.  Having gone through a bad bout of severe depression hasn’t helped though.  These bouts are getting more frequent so I am wondering what the point of taking anti depressants is.  The only reason I have was because the doctor I saw before Christmas suggested I had an ECG and blood test then have a chat about a way forward.  I shall give it another week then will probably make an appointment to see my GP to talk about it.

My concentration is better though so have started reading more often.  I also want to get back to writing again.  I have got a couple of ideas for books which I want to make a start on.  Poetry is another thing I’m thinking off getting back to.

The past year has been tough in one way and another.  The most prominent thing has been my mum dying.  It affected me more than I ever thought it would.  Whatever our differences were she was still my mother and I loved her.  My one regret is that we hadn’t talked to each other for a couple of years.  Our last conversation had been a good one which is a positive.  It has made me even more aware that life is too short to hold on to the past.  Nobody can change the past but we can all shape our futures.

25th December 2011

The past two weeks has been tough.  Two weeks yesterday I was at rock bottom in the first time in over two years.  I admitted to Rick that all I wanted to do was die but I didn’t want to die through suicide.  He made telephone call so I was first taken to A & E then to the crisis team.  After talking to me they decided the best option was home visits and telephone calls.  It has been a tough two weeks but I need to talk.  All I can put this latest trigger down to is that I dream about my mum.  They are lovely dreams and in them we get on well – she is the mum I always wanted and understood me.  In reality my mum never really understood me nor did I know how to make her understand me.  It’s not her fault nor is it mine, it’s just one of things.  It still hurts though that my mum never apologised to me for all the hurt she caused me.  She died believing she had done nothing wrong and I was nothing more than trouble.  I regret never telling my mum what I was going through.  I will always love my mum.

I cannot explain how much I was relieved to be taken seriously about being depressed in 2005.  Up until then I believed what I was told that I was attention seeking, moody and a liar. I know I wasn’t a liar yet that’s what I accepted.  I did know I needed help and that I needed people to believe me.

It is tough because I know that people who don’t know my parents accept me for who I am.  There are other relatives and friends who accept me for being who I am.  All that’s really mattered now on this Christmas day is that my family accept me for who I am.

19th December 2011

My mood had improved by the weekend but today it nosedived again.  At the moment I don’t know what to do as a distraction.  Nothing is working.  It’s got that bad that I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone.  Rick wants me to help him go through stuff tomorrow but it means going to a friend’s home and I really don’t want to go there. I am glad we are having a quiet Christmas as I’m not looking forward to it.

Two of the crisis team were round today and were going to get me signed off.  Now they are going to give it a few more days as they know I’m on a downer.  They asked me if there was anywhere I go to get away for a few days.  Even if there was I wouldn’t want to as it wont solve how I am feeling and I would still have to come back at some point.  Right at the moment there is nothing I can think off that will cheer me up.

13th December 2011

On Saturday I went into complete meltdown and I was at rock bottom.  I told Rick who knew I was being serious so to cut the story short I saw the crisis team.  Sunday afternoon the crisis team came out to visit me to see how I was feeling.  A doctor should have been out to see me yesterday but I had to cancel out on that.  Rick wasn’t well so we ended up at the Memorial Hospital most of the day.  Two friends were worried about him so spent a couple of hours with us.  One of them took me home as she knew I needed to get back to the dogs.  About an hour later the other friend, who had left before us, picked me up as Rick was fit enough to come home again.

Today the doctor came out with one of the crisis team members to get a bit of history on me and check through my medication with me.  Just to really cheer me up there are health risks with my anti depressant so he doesn’t want to increase that and would prefer to decrease it.  I may end up taking something else instead.  He also wants me to have a blood test for liver function and an ECG.  The doctor seemed quite concerned that I haven’t had an ECG done yet as I have been on meds for high blood pressure for two years.  I should also have been monitored anyway as the anti depressant can affect the heart.  I have to make an appointment with my GP in the next few days to get the blood test and ECG organised.  Oh happy days!

9th December 2011

Yesterday qas a very dark day for me.  I knew it was building up to this for days.  My concentration hasn’t been good and I have been stressed out.  Rick suffered a bit in the evening for me being very depressed as I was very snappy.  Nothing could take my mind off it or cheer me up.  I had physiotherapy in the morning which went well.  The physiotherapist did a scan on my back and that went well.  It’s not normal for me tofeel so low at this point in December.  Christmas Day through to New Year is the tougher time to get through along with Mother’s Day, Anthony’s birthday and my birthday.

Today has been easier although having a good night’s sleep has helped.  Sheer exhaustion probaby helped as I haven’t been sleeping too well.  The pain in my fingers has been worse lately and that makes me irratable.  The weather has been cold so that hasn’t helped either.

I keep wanting to cry for no apparent reason.  It isn’t easy trying to explain how I am feeling.  I keep feeling an ache inside – an emtionally ache rather than a physical ache.  There are friends I could talk to but I’m really not in the mood to do so.

1st December 2011
It has been emotionally tiring thinking back over my life.  Reunion had left in turmoil over my feelings.  It was scary knowing how extreme my emotions were.  My anger turned into sheer rage and at times I felt like I was going to explode.  I also found out how much I could really love somebody.  I love my husband and I love family members.  It’s a completely different feeling of love for a child which comes from creating another human being.  I knew I loved my baby but to finally understand the full extent of my love for him as an adult son was almost scary.

The first year into reunion was hard as i had to face up to the past and deal with my emotions.  By August 2005 I wasn’t earing much and considered myself lucky if i got more than two hours of sleep each night.  Eventually I knew I couldn’t carry on like this so I saw my doctor.  For the first in my life I felt like I was being taken seriously.  He told me I was severely depressed and needed help.  I sat and cried as it was such a relief for somebody to listen without judging.  Getting meds helped to improve so in turn I started sleeping and eating better.

On Tuesday my husband and I went to see my dad.  It was the first time we had seen him since my mum’s funeral.  My dad looked much better and it was good to spend time with him.  My sister came round with my niece and her baby who is 6 weeks old now.  He is absolutely gorgrous and I enjoyed holding him.  Ir was lovely just spending time with my family as if there hadn’t been a falling out.

22nd November 2011

I knew right from the start that Rick suffered with depression yet it was something I could deal with. Dealing with how others feel has always been much easier for me to deal with than my own.  His depression started after his dad died when he was 14 years old.  Rick thought I was a very laid back person as a rule but also knew I had a quick temper.  It was easy for me to put on a front as I had been doing so for 12 years by this point.  Being suicidal and self harming continued usually when we we argued.  The cycle continued until 2004 when I found Anthony five days after his 23rd birthday.

Rick and I decided to do our family trees so I joined up with Genes Reunited.  Within minutes of putting basic information in the tree was matched with another member.  Some of the information was wrong so that gave me good reason to contact him.  Half an hour later I realized it was Anthony and that unlocked my emotions.  I have never felt so much rage before this moment or after reunion settled down.  I do believe that the rage I felt at the time helped me to keep going.  My pain also intensified along with shame, guilt and anger.  There aren’t any words I can use to describe exactly how I felt at this time.  I even felt despair and felt that I was reliving being 19 years old agsin as Anthony wanted to know so much in a short space of time.  He wanted to talk to me constantly on messenger.  I was happy Anthony wanted to but on the other hand I was struggling with my own emotions.  What didn’t help was that I found out Anthony had found my family quite quickly in 1999 after he turned 18.  They in effect lied to him for almost five years by telling him they didn’t know where I was.  I was absolutely furious with them.  I had fallen out with my family in early 1999 as I was sick to death of being accused of doing things i hadn’t done, usually of lying.  I got back in touch with my parents in late 2001 so they didn’t have any excuse.

At the time I couldn’t let my parents know how angry I was as I would have let rip.  It took me years to forgive them.  It wasn’t healthy to be so angry yet I couldn’t see that at the time.